Refractory Relations

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I’ve been reading up on the dynamics of relationships recently (of all kinds, both romantic and platonic) and although I don’t believe in most “hocus pocus” of sorts, I have a strong sense of analytical prose when it comes to reading other peoples’ body language. Through my experience as a dancer (currently in dormancy because this adult life is really kicking my ass right about now) I’ve learned how peoples’ body shapes coincide with how people feel, think, act. etc. How facial expressions and eye movements could possibly be the most earnest of demarcations when it comes to formations of opinion. Sometimes though, people come at you left field and take you completely by surprise.
But anyways, as I was thinking, I’ve come to know a certain individual over the course of a couple weeks and I’m still perplexed by this person. Let’s call them, Person A.
Person A communicates with me through direct, intense eye contact. The sort that is extremely rare and extremely soul revealing. For me, the constant contact with Person A was incredibly nostalgic, almost addictive. Knowing myself, once I’m into something, I’m basically “balls deep.” Just intense curiosity mode.
We got to know each other on a Sunday night and it was really the first interaction that wasn’t loosely based around the confines of where we work, and everything just felt…right. Our conversations were dynamic and deep and covered a plethora of topics that I never really took a moment to speculate before, and there was just something refreshing about it.
You know that moment when you leave a conversation with your mind reeling and your heart full? It felt like that. It. Just. Felt. Nice. I told Person A a lot of things that I never tell people when I interact with them for the first time. It felt good to be vulnerable and to trust someone with information that is near and dear to my heart. It felt extremely cathartic and so memorable that I was basically smitten with the moment (not the person, just the moment) and when we live in this high-paced life of technology it’s nice to be able to just look into someone’s eyes knowing they’re not anticipating an upcoming tweet, notification, snapchat, etc. It was experiencing someone in an old school way and I loved it.
Then come Monday and things began to change our dynamic. Person A was communicating in via side conversations. Eye contact was minimal at most, and conversation went from a “balls deep” perspective to really trivial subjects.
I’m not saying that this completely blind sighted me, I’m getting acclimated to the idea that people need to recharge (I definitely do) but I’ve been really independent for a long time that a deep face to face conversation was such a good refresher from the everyday norm of discussing the weather forecast.
I think I just needed a dose of real conversation to regain my humanity, because nowadays I just feel quite robotic and pragmatic. Sometimes a tin man needs less oil and more heart, to say the least.
This post wasn’t any sort of cohesive at all, but my brain has been rattling at this situation for quite some time and I just needed to release it from my conscious once and for all.
Hopefully this friendship-relationship (because friendships are relationships) will work itself out soon. I just need to develop a social circle outside of work that I don’t have to drive 2+ hours for.
Until then, wish me luck on developing adult relationships!
Indelible Gratitude

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